…

I am exhausted.
I am aimless.
I am lost.
I thought all that’s happening are directing me to my real self and what I am in this life. Not knowing. That’s what kills me.

Final bow..

It has to end.

I am not shocked at all.

Though I know eventually it will come this, can’t help but be sad.

Been there.

Anyway, there’s this lump in my left wrist that really bothers me. Eto o… feel it. Para syang holen. Sa sobrang wild ng imagination ng sister ko, she is forcing me to have it removed ASAP. Baka daw paggising ko nasa noo ko na yun. But, exams! tsaka na… And mom, wrist. It’s wrist not breast. Old age. 

Moody…

This has been the worst week.

And as I sit here brooding in front of my computer, an officemate, Peps, approached me with this big smile on his face. I asked, "WHY!?". (habang nakataas ang isang kilay) this is his answer:

often, people would ask why are you so happy? what’s with your unfading brilliant smile..well, i just choose to wear this happy face and let all my worries, problems worry themselves hehehe…the result is im happy and peaceful within hence the unfading killer smile..

So positive! But that positivity did not take me out of my sullen mood…

I’ve been thinking. I used to believe that I am a person of full conviction. Emphasis on the phrase "used to". But there are just persons who can easily break down my resolve.

Anyway, I started my CLED this week. Mahirap kasi mag-isa lang ako. Parang nabobo ko bigla I even asked help from Raqs. Thanks Raki! They made the conference room my "office". They are all nice. I met Atty. Dedace only once. Tapos di na sya nagpakita sa office.

Ruby Ann was nice to talk to. Friend din sya ni Mami Jazz which is really comforting to know. At least there is someone in the firm who is a friend of a friend. Parang friends na din kami.

And then I met Jeff, the Paralegal. Graduating law student din sya from FEU. He is the one assigned to handle my training. He occasionaly checks me while I am working and loves to say "magaling!". Sir, caption pa lang nasusulat ko. Grrrr…

Well, they make the environment less intimidating and scary.

Ok, back to my sullen mood.

Sober…

Me and Heiz has been planning this all along. I mean, get drunk, lose control and just be drunk. But we wanted it to happen somewhere safe and with people we trust. And it happens. Last night. My place. With Chiel, Vin, Ramir, and Gian. But without Heiz.

It feels different. I am drunk, have lost control and yet still sober and fully aware of the world.

And I will remember…

Nothingness…

I am tired. Slept so late at sobrang early gumising. A friend asked me na samahan sya for a medical exam. And you guessed it right, I can't say no. It's done. Here naman sa school to get the recommendation letter na last year ko pa wait lumabas. Ayun, wait ko lang mag-open ang records to get it habang ang driver ay naghihintay. Heheh.. Cool ka lang dyan driver…

I am scared. I woke up this morning so scared and my heart is so heavy.

Anyway, gotta go! 

Sick!

I am just so sick!

The past months, I have been so sickly. And this is bad.

Anyway, the Bataan get away was fun. Pero siempre… di naman maiiwasan na meron magspoil ng fun na yun. But generally, it was great! And now, I am back to reality. School. Work. Arrrgh!

At eto pa… I think it would be better if we don't remember anything at all. Yesterday used to be a special day. And he doesn't have to remind me of it. Why? Because it is so useless to count the years.  Useless to think of the what ifs or what could have beens.

Was it my fault? My only fault then is I am not ready. Why am I not ready? why? Hindi ko alam.

Hhmmm….

We just hugged. No words were spoken maybe because there's nothing left to say. It is just so unfair. Feels so the same. The warmth, beat of the heart, everything. It's just the circumstance is so damn different.

Since when did Christmas and New Year cease to be merry and happy? As years pass, things became half-ok, half-fun, half-happy. I am happy and yet have this feeling that I could be happier. As to how? That I don't know. We always say happiness is a choice. And I choose to be happy. But the laughters are empty and the smiles are just superficial.

Anyway, we are heading to Bataan this weekend. Yipee! We just need to be far and be in a place that is different. Can't wait!

Currently listening to this:  Your Call by Secondhand Serenade

Second Hand Serenade - Your Call

Waiting for your call, I'm sick, call I'm angry
call I'm desperate for your voice
Listening to the song we used to sing
In the car, do you remember
Butterfly, Early Summer
It's playing on repeat, Just like when we would meet
Like when we would meet

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

Stripped and polished, I am new, I am fresh
I am feeling so ambitious, you and me, flesh to flesh
Cause every breath that you will take
when you are sitting next to me
will bring life into my deepest hopes, What's your fantasy?
(What's your, what's your…)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

And I'm tired of being all alone, and this solitary moment makes me want to come back home
x4
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight

I was born to tell you I love you
and I am torn to do what I have to, to make you mine
Stay with me tonight
(I know everything you wanted isn't anything you have)